Author 



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Title 






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FRENCHES ACTING EDITION 

No. "*53*. 

Poached Eggs 
and Pearls 



A CANTEEN COMEDY 
in Two Scenes 



By 



GERTRUDE JENNINGS 



NET Q? NET 



SAMUEL FKENCH, [ 
PmbU$k*rt 
i« SOUTHAMPTON ST> i 
STRAND 



NEW yoRK ; 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publiiksr 






POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS 



POACHED EGGS 
AND PEARLS 

A CANTEEN COMEDY IN TWO 
SCENES 



By 
GERTRUDE JENNINGS 



Copyright, 1917, by Samuel French, Ltd. 



New York London 

SAMUEL FRENCH SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

Publisher 26 Southampton Street 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND 



Th 



1917 



The fee for each Amateur representation of this play is 
Two Guineas, payable in advance to — 

Messrs. Samuel French, Ltd., 

26 Southampton Street, 

Strand, London, 

or their authorized agents, who will issue a written authority 
for the performance to take place. No representation may 
be given unless this written authority has first been obtained. 

The costumes may be obtained from Messrs Chas. H. 
Fox, Ltd., 27 Wellington Street, Strand, London. 



"'^^'^'^'i frnrr, 



MAR -6 1917 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS 



Produced at the Apollo Theatre, London, on November 
21, 1 91 6, under the management of Mr. Andr6 Chariot, with 
the following cast : — 



Lady Clara Teviot 
Lady Mabel Corroby 
The Duchess of Froom 
Miss Deacon 
Lady Penzance 
A Lady Helper 
Bill Smith 
Geo. Williams 
Jimmie Acland 



(Helpers 

at the 

Canteen) 



'Miss Doris Lytlon. 

-Miss Dorothy Fane. 

Miss Gertrude Scott. 

I Miss Betty Ward. 

I Miss Rosa Sullivan. 



\Miss Gladys Latin. 

I Mr. Ben Field. 
Mr. Eddie Garr. 
Mr. Dennis Neihon Terry. 



Scene L — The Canteen Dining-room. 
Scene H. — The Pantry. 
Five minutes elapse between Scenes I and II. 



Time in representation — 40 minutes. 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS 



SCENE I. 

Scene.— T/ie Canteen Dining-room. 

(Lady Clara Teviot and Lady Mabel Corroby 
discovered wiping the tables. Lady Penzance is 
at desk. The Duchess and Miss Deacon are 
behind the bar. They are all dressed alike in overalls 
and caps. Lady Clara and Lady Mabel begin at 
table I R. at the back.) 

Lady Clara {a charminf^ly pretty young girl, who 
is mopping the tables). Awful, having the place so 
empty, isn't it ? 

Lady Mabel {a pretty girl of i8 holds tray for 
Clara). Rotten ! But there'll be a train in at half- 
past four. Then we shall have more than we can do. 

Lady Clara. That's not much fun. We shall be 
washing up by then. {Crosses to table 2.) 

Lady Mabel. I'm jolly well not going to wash 
up to-day. {Follows to table 2.) 

Lady Clara. Why not ? 

Lady Mabel. Lve just had my nail's manicured. 

Lady Clara. How are you going to get out of it ? 

Lady Mabel. Say I've cut my finger— I've 
tied it up. 

Lady Clara. You are a lazy cat, Mabel, it only 
means I shall have to do your share. 

Lady Mabel. Oh, you don't mind, Clara darling. 
You're a regular knut at the sink, and I've got to 

7 



8 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

dine at the Ritz to-night with my pet lamb. I can't 
go with fingers all crumpled and my nose red. 

Lady Clara {crossing to table 3, front of stage). 
What about me ? I've got a nose, too. And 
perhaps I've got a pet lamb. 

Lady Mabel {Follows to table 3.). Stand by me 
this once, there's a dear — and I'll keep the Duchess 
away when your faithful comes in, for seven courses 
of sausages and mash. 

Lady Clara. My faithful ! 

Lady Mabel. Yes. Don't turn pink. We've 
all noticed the lovely airman. 

Lady Clara. Don't be silly, Mabel. {Holds up 
pot.) There's no mustard in this. 

Lady Mabel. Never mind ! He doesn't need 
mustard. 

Lady Clara. Mabel ! Do you think people 
really have noticed ? 

Lady Mabel. Noticed ! Well, considering he's 
been in every day for three weeks and always sits 
at your table and always stays an hour they must 
be blind not to notice. 

Lady Clara. Do you think the Duchess will say 
anything to mother ? bhe might take me away 
from the canteen and put me on to making pyjamas. 

Lady Mabel. I don't think the Duchess will 
tell tales. She's such a sport. But hide him from 
Violet Penzance, she's the spy. 

Lady Clara. I know, but what can I do ? 

Lady Mabel. Tell him to come to lunch, when 
the Canteen is full. 

Lady Clara. He can't get away then. 

Lady Mabel. Oh, he's told you that, has he ? 
Oh, Clara, Clara ! 

Lady Clara. His father's a Professor at Cam- 
bridge. 

Lady Mabel. Is he ? He must be getting very 
tired of sausages. 

Lady Clara. He doesn't have sausages any more. 

Lady Mabel. Why not ? 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 9 

Lady Clara. Poached eggs on toast take longer 
to do. 

(Mabel gives a shrill laugh. The Duchess taps on 
the ledge. Mabel makes a face and goes.) 

Duchess. Not quite so loud, please. 

Lady Mabel. I'm so sorry. 

Duchess {a tall handsome dignified woman). Miss 
Deacon, you have left the tea urn running. Kindly 
mop it up. 

(Miss Deacon disappears behind counter.) 

(Mabel returns to Clara.) 

{The Duchess exits r.) 

Lady Clara. What's up ? 
Lady Mabel. Too much noise. 

(Girls move to table 4.) 

Lady Clara. She is strict, but she's a good sort. 
We'd better take the mustard pots to be re-lilled. 

Lady Mabel. Who's the old lady with the frizzy 
wig? 

Lady Clara. That's a Miss Deacon. She wears 
a flannel petticoat. 

Lady Mabel. What nonsense ! 

Lady Clara. She does. I saw it. She's a friend 
of Sarah's. Isn't she the limit ? 

Lady Mabel. She's just left the tea urn tap 
running ; there is a pond of tea on the floor. The 
Duchess gave her a terrible glare. The poor old 
thing turned quite mauve. Look, now she's buttering 
the cake. 

Lady Clara. She seems very woolly. I hope 
I shan't have her in the pantry with me. Oh dear, 
I am tired ! I wish I hadn't gone to that dance last 
night. 

Lady Mabel. Where was it ? 

Lady Clara. At the Howarths. Lord Reggie's 
home on leave, and they had to cheer him up. 



10 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Mabel, Reggie's the tall one your mother 
wants for you, isn't he ? 

Lady Clara. Yes ! Of course mother's anxious 
about us after the war as we've nothing a year. But 
if she would be so early Victorian as to have five 
daughters what can she expect ? {Put mustard pots 
on tray.) 

Lady Mabel. Shall you marry Reginald ? 

Lady Clara. Rather not ! His face is too spotty. 
Oh ! I wish they'd let us sit down ! My legs do ache. 

Lady Mabel. Let's put these things away and 
then lean against the wall. 

(Duchess re-enters.) 
Lady Clara. Righto ! 

{They take the tray, etc., to hatch and pass the howl 
of water through.) 

Duchess. If you have mopped up the tea, Miss 
Deacon, perhaps you would kindly cut some bread. 

Miss Deacon (a nervous, shivery woman of 45, 
with light fuzzy hair). Oh, certainly, Duchess. 
Yes, I would do anjrthing for the dear soldiers. 

Duchess. Quite so. That is the bread machine. 
Do not cut your finger off, please. 

Miss Deacon. No, no, I won't ! How kind of 
you to think of it. 

{Goes to bread cutter r. of bar and turns the handle. 
Mabel and Clara now come up with the tray to 
bar L. of it.) 

Lady Clara {to Duchess). The mustard pots, 
please. 

Duchess. Thank you. Have you filled up the 
water jugs. Lady Clara ? 

Lady Clara. Yes, Duchess. 

Duchess. And have you swept the floor and 
emptied the rubbish baskets ? 

Lady Clara. Yes. 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 11 

Duchess. Thank you. Lady Mabel. 

Lady Mabel. Yes. 

Duchess. I shall want you to wash up at four 
o'clock. 

Lady Mabel. Oh, do you mind very much if I 
don't wash up to-day ? I've cut my linger and it's 
so awkward, isn't it, with only one hand. 

Duchess. You seem very unlucky. Last week 
you cut your thumb and the week before you had 
rheumatism. 

Lady Mabel. I am so sorry. 

Duchess. Well, it cannot be helped. Lady 
Clara, you will wash up, please. 

Lady Clara. Certainly. 

Duchess. At four o'clock. {Turns her back on 
them.) 

(Lady Mabel and Lady Clara go to l.c.) 

Lady Mabel. Do you think she suspects ? 

Lady Clara. Well, I shouldn't try it on again if I 
were you. 

Duchess. Miss Deacon, I think it would be better 
if you put a loaf of bread into the cutter before you 
turned the handle. 

Miss Deacon. Oh, haven't I ? How foolish of 
me ! I am quite absent-minded to-day ! jit's be- 
cause of my nephew. He is going away to-morrow 
— Yes ! I will put the bread in. 

Duchess. Perhaps I had better get Lady Penzance 
to do it. You might cut your linger oil and that 
would cause such a delay. Lady Clara, would you 
kindly ask Lady Penzance if she will oblige me by 
cutting some bread ? 

Lady Clara. Certainly. {Crosses Ike room.) 

Duchess. Perhaps you will kindly help me by 
making the mustard, Miss Deacon. 

Miss Deacon. M — m — making mustard ? 

Duchess, Yes. You haven't done it before ? 



12 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Miss Deacon. Not made it — no. Is it made out 
of mustard leaves ? 

Duchess. Not exactly. I will do it. You might 
fill those glass dishes with jam. 

Miss Deacon. Oh, I shall be so pleased — so 
willing. {She goes to back of bar and brings two large 
jars of jam to bar.) 

(Lady Penzance comes up l. of bar. She is a pretty 
woman, with diamond earrings and a pearl necklace.) 

Lady Penzance. Yes, Margaret dear ? 

Duchess. Oh, Violet, as there's no one in will you 
cut bread till they come ? 

Lady Penzance. Certainly, dear Margaret. I 
notice that Lady Clara and Lady Mabel haven't much 
to do. 

Duchess {at back of bar). They were very busy at 
lunch time. 

Lady Penzance. Of course my place is really 
at the desk, but I'll cut bread with pleasure. 

Duchess. Thank you. 

(Lady Penzance crosses behind Miss Deacon to 
machine.) 

Duchess. I think. Miss Deacon, you have just 
put some marmalade into the strawberry jam. 

Miss Deacon. No, really — surely can I — have I ? 

Duchess {makes mustard and Jills the four pots 
during following). You have. Will you kindly 
take it out. The soldiers do not like their jams 
mixed. {Hands Miss Deacon a spoon.) 

Miss Deacon. No, certainly ! Of course — the 
brave fellows ! Mixed jam ! No ! 

Lady Penzance. I'm afraid. Duchess, that some 
one has put a piece of new bread in the dustbin. 

Duchess. Disgraceful ! In war time. Can it 
be rescued ? I fear not. Who can have done it ? 

(Miss Deacon looking very nervous, puts jam jars 
hack.) 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 13 

Lady Penzance. Perhaps some one on the last 
shift. Dear Lady Adela ? 

Duchess. I trust so. {Looking daggers at Miss 
Deacon) . I hope no one on my shift would be guilty 
of such a betise. 

(Miss Deacon drops a plate of sandwiches.) 

You have dropped the sandwiches, Miss Deacon. 
Miss Deacon. Have I ? No I Surely not. 
Duchess. Kindly pick them up. 

(Miss Deacon does so.) 

Thank you. No, don't replace them. Into the 
scrap bin where the good bread ought to be. Thank 
you. At four o'clock I should like you to wipe 
plates in the scullery. 

Miss Deacon. Oh, do you mind ? At four 
o'clock I'm expecting my nephew to come in. He's 
such a dear boy in the air service. 

Duchess. Pardon me, but as head of the shift, 
I can't alter my arrangements. And, indeed, the 
rule of the canteen is that the ladies do not enter into 
conversation with the men, except to find out their 
requirements. 

Sliss Deacon. No, of course not. No — I quite 
see that — still, a nephew ! 

Duchess. I am so sorry — after working hours, 
of course. Rules are very strict here. 

Miss Deacon {tearfully, putting pie on plate, and 
instantly drops it). Yes, of course. Oh, I quite 
understand. 

Duchess. You have dropped a pork pie. In the 
scrap bin — thank you. I daresay next time the 
food casualties won't be so heavy. 

Miss Deacon. Pork pies ! Yes. They're so 
slippery, aren't they ? 

Lady Penzance. Almost a case of washing up 
the food after dear Miss Deacon, isn't it ? The 
Head of the canteen would be so amused. 



14 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Duchess. Oh, by the way, Lady Penzance, I 
hardly like to mention it, but the Head thinks you 
wear rather too much jewellery in the canteen. 

Lady Penzance. Really ! Poor little me ! Oh 
no, I can't see how I could wear less. 

Duchess. Well, you know — that pearl necklace ! 

Lady Penzance. Yes, but, dear Duchess, if I 
don't wear the necklace where am I to keep it ? That's 
the trouble, isn't it ? Oh, there are two men coming 
in ! May I go back to the desk ? 

Duchess. Certainly. 

(Lady Penzance crosses rapidly to desk.) 

{There enter two Tommies in uniform. Middle-aged 
men. George is large and stout, Bill small.) 

Lady Mabel. Oh, here come two men ! Thank 
goodness ! No sign of your airman ! Is he coming ? 
Lady Clara. How can / teh .-* 

{The two men buy tickets of Lady Penzance.) 

Lady Clara. Now then, whose table ? 
Lady Mabel. Mine, I hope. No, yours. 
Bill. Squattez vous, George. 

{The men sit at table 4, front.) 

(George r. of table, Bill l.) 

Lady Clara. What do you bet ? Poached 
eggs on toast or soss and mash ! 

Lady Mabel. Soss and mash. 

Lady Clara {crosses to the men). What would 
you like ? 

Bill. Sausages and mash, cup of cocoa, bread and 
butter, please. Miss. 

George. Same here. {Offers tickets.) 

Lady Clara {to Lady Mabel). Thank you. 
You've won ! {Goes to hatch,) 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 16 

George {as she crosses). Pretty cushy place, this. 

Bill. Ah ! I tell you. 

George. Glad we didn't go down the road. 

Bill. There ! Not me ! Why, what do yer 
think they've got there ? Paid waitresses. 

George. Have they now ? 

Lady Clara {at hatch). Two sausages and mash 
twice please. {She goes to bar and gets a plate on 
u'hich she puts bread and butter.) 

George. I like that one covered all over wiv 
diamings and pearls. 

Bill. Ah ! That's worth the money alone, that 
is. 

George. That lady what's waiting on us is a bit 
of all right, too. 

Bill. Ah ! She's a one-er, she is. See 'er with 
this place full. She can't arf nip about. 

George. Can't she now ? 

Bill. And the civilness of it. No banging yer 
plates down and puttin' their thumbs in the gravy — 
not them ! 

(Miss Deacon has her back to the men.) 

George. Fancy that now ! {Looks at Miss 
Deacon.) That's a funny old bird with the frizzy 
whiskers. 

Bill. I don't know 'er. She's new. But I'll 
lay she's a duchess. They're all titled here. 

George. Think of that ! 

Lady Clara {at bar). I shall want two cups of 
cocoa, please. 

Duchess. Two cups of cocoa, please. Miss Deacon. 

Miss Deacon. Two cups of cocoa 1 Yes, of 
course ! Two cups of cocoa for our brave soldiers I 

Duchess. Do you know how to make cocoa ? 

Miss Deacon. Oh yes, indeed yes I I often 
made it for my dear father. Yes, yes, certainly. 
{Makes it.) 

{Exit Duchess r.) 



16 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

{Enter Jimmie Acland, l.c, a good-looking young 
airman. He buys tickets at desk.) 

Lady Mabel. Clara ! Here he is. {Pulls Clara 
R. of stage.) 

Lady Clara. Oh, heavens ! 

Lady Mabel. Look at Lady Penzance giving him 
the glad eye ! 

Lady Clara. The snark ! She'll watch me like 
a lynx. I almost wish he'd sit at one of your tables. 

Lady Mabel. No fear ! He's buying rolls of 
tickets. Here comes your soss. 

(Lady Clara gets the sausages and the cu-ps of cocoa. 
Jimmie sits table l.) 

(Duchess re-enters.) 

Duchess. Thank you, Miss Deacon. Now, as 
there's so little to do, would you kindly go to the 
pantry and clean knives. 

Miss Deacon. Certainly, with pleasure — to clean 
knives for the Army ! Yes, of course. 

{Exit Miss Deacon.) 

(Clara comes to George and Bill and puts the things 
down in front of them.) 

Bill. Thank you. Miss. 

{She moves to table l.) 

{To George.) Classy, ain't she ? Told you so. 
And wot price the grub ? 

George. A.i. 

Lady Clara {to Jimmie). What will you have? 
{She stands L. of his table.) 

Jimmie. I'm late to-day. I was kept at the 
works. I'm going into a cadet corps to-morrow, 
and I shall get my commission in the Air Ser- 
vice. 

Lady Clara {coldly). Really? 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 17 

JiMMiE. Not angry with me, are you ? 

Lady Clara. Angry ? Why should I be ? 

JiMMiE. The ice seems rather thick, that's all. 

Lady Clara. I don't understand. 

JiMMiE. What have I done ? 

Lady Clara. We are not supposed to talk, you 
know. 

JiMMiE. But we always do, don't we ? 

Lady Clara. Would you mind telling me what 
your order is ? 

JiMMiE. Just one smile on toast. 

Lady Clara. Don't be silly ! The Duchess is 
looking at us. Now then ! Two fried eggs and a 
rasher or sausages and mash ? 

JiMMiE. It's so hard to decide. Poached eggs on 
toast take the longest to do, but you can't make a 
parcel of them. 

Lady Clara. What do you mean ? 

JiMMiE. Well, you don't think I eat all I order, 
do you, Lady Clara ? No, no, it goes into a news- 
paper and then I have another lot. 

Lady Clara. But what in the world for ? 

JiMMiE. So that I can stay longer, of course. 
Since I can't meet you anywhere else ! 

Lady Clara. I've told you you mustn't say 
things like that. 

JiMMiE. Why not ? My whole conversation can't 
consist of fried eggs, one jam and a pork pie. I 
don't come here for that, you know, Clara ! 

Lady Clara. Hush, please ! What will you 
order ? Be quick ! 

JiMMiE. Oh, well ! Two poached eggs on toast, 
bread and butter and a cup of tea. 

(Duchess exits r.) 

Lady Clara. Tickets, please. Why, you've got 
about a hundred ! 

JiMMiE. I hope to stay an hour for each ticket. 
Lady Clara. I hope you will. 
JiMMiE. And will you be nice to me ? 

B 



l8 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Clara. Very nice. Only I shan't be here. 
JiMMiE. What ? 

Lady Clara. I'm due for the pantry at four. 
JiMMiE. Clara ! 

{She crosses room and goes to hatch.) 

Lady Clara {at hatch). Two poached eggs on 
toast once, please. {Cross and gets rapidly behind 
bar.) 

Lady Mabel. Well, what did he say ? {Runs 
in front of bar.) 

Lady Clara. Oh, Mabel, he's a darling. He 
really is ! Every time I see him I like him more and 
more. I should like to get into his aeroplane and 
float away and never come back again. 

Lady Mabel. I don't suppose he ever goes up in 
an aeroplane. The mechanics never do. 

Lady Clara. Mechanics ! He's going to get a 
commission. Oh, Mabel, isn't he a jam jar ! I 
hope they'll do his eggs nicely. 

Lady Mabel. How can you be romantic about 
eggs. I wish they had never been born. 

{They talk aside.) 

George. Bill, old man, I don't 'ardly like to 
mention it. 

Bill. Wot's up ? 

George. The soss is grand, the mash is Ai, and 
I ain't tasted such bread and butter since the war. 
But the cocoa, old son, 'as got a kind of a taste that I 
'ardly like ter mention in ladies' society. 

Bill. There now ! George, if that ain't you all 
over. Grouse, grouse, grouse ! Put you down at 
the Lord Mayor's banquet and you'd grumble at the 
lamb's fry ! I don't wonder your wife left you for 
Ted Arris. Bring you to a fine place like this 'ere, 
with clean tables and reel ladies waiting, and what 
d'yer do ? Grumble, grouse, grouse, and grumble ! 



POACHED EGGS AND TEARLP. 19 

George. Roll on, old man ! I ain't saying 
nothing about the place, which is slap up. 

Bill. So I should think. 

George. But this 'ere cocoa ! 

Bill. There you go again ! You ought ter be back 
in Plug Street, eating Ticklers' jam, that's wot's 
the matter with you. You're one of these ere perish- 
ing blighters we read about wot sings : " Oh, send 
me back to Wipers." That's wot's the matter with 
you ! 

George. I can't 'elp it, old man, it fairly makes 
me 'eave. 

Bill. Oh, does it. Well, I'd like to know what 
you get at 'ome that you don't 'eave at. 

George. Ain't tasted the cocoa j^ourself, 'ave 
you, Bill, old face ? 

Bill. No, I ain't. I've a thankful sperrit, I 
'ave. 

George. You take a lick, old pal. Just take a 
good long lick, that's all. 

Bill. Certainly ! 'Ere's down with the 'Un 1 

{He drinks, puts cup down violently.) Oh, 'ell ! 

George. Does 'um a bit, don't it ? 

Bill. Why, what the blooming blue is it ? 

George. That's what I arsk myself. 

Bill. It's got a sort of a — well, I don't know what 
about it. 

George. Sort of bites yer, don't it ? 

Bill. I can't quite lay my tongue to what it 
reminds me of. 

George. I could, but ladies being present I don't 
like ter. 

Bill. You don't suppose it'll do us any sort of 
damage, George ? I've 'card of people's insides 
bein' completely liquidated by a thing like that. 

George. I wonder 'oo's cocoa it is ? 'Inden- 
burg's Special, I should say. I'd like to smash 'is 
bloomin' nut. 



20 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Bill. I'm like to throw 'im to the Tanks. 

George. They done us down properly this time 
— no doubt about it. 

Bill. Dropped a diamond in it, p'raps. {Smells 
it.) It smells of scissors. 

George. Tastes more like a couple of ammunition 
clips. 

Bill. Do you reckon we could say we'd changed 
our minds and like a cup of tea instead ? 

George. Not now we've drunk it. That tall one 
saw me with my beak inside. 

Bill. Shut yer eyes and 'op it down. 

George. Shut my eyes. I'd 'ave to shut more'n 
that. Wot's more it 'ud soon 'op up again. I've 
got a sort of peculiar feelin' already. 

Bill. Tain't as bad as all that. [Anxiously.) 
Don't go and disgrace m^e, George. 

George. Tell you wot. You 'ave mine. 

Bill. You always was a chap to give nothing 
away, George. 

{The poached eggs are now put through the hatch.) 

Wait till the young lady comes to clear away and I'll 
see what I can do. 

George. Drives a man to drink a thing like this. 

Bill. Ah ! 

(Lady Clara brings eggs to Jimmie.) 

Lady Clara. I hope you haven't been very 
impatient. 

Jimmie. I have been miserable. 

Lady Clara. Oh, why ? 

Jimmie. Well, it's rather hard luck, isn't it, to 
see what you like best in all the world, and not 
be able to get near it. 

Lady Clara. Do you mean the pork pies ? They 
are rather nice. Would you like one ? 

Jimmie. Have pity on me, please. The eggs are 
bad enough. 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 21 

Lady Clara. Oh, how can you ? They are 
beautiful ! I chose specially good ones. See how 
fat and round they are. 

(Duchess re-enters r.) 

JiMMiE. Too fat ! The eggs I've had in the last 
fortnight ! I can hardly look them in the face. 
Oh, Clara, has any one else ever done for you what I 
have ? 

Lady Clara. If you mind eating eggs how would 
you like to wash up 150 plates afterwards ? 

JiMMiE. Can you wash up ? 

Lady Clara. Of course I can ! We all wash up, 
even the Duchess. 

JiMMiE. What ? Can she bend ? 

Lady Clara. Rather! hhe's splendid at the 
sink. 

JiMMiE. Wonderful ! WTiat else do you do ? 

Lady Clara. Clean knives ! Make tea — cook 

JiMMiE. How useful it will be when we are 
married. 

Lady Clara. Your aeroplane goes about 1,000 
miles an hour, doesn't it ? 

JiMMiE. About that. 

Lady Clara. I thought it must. 

JiMMiE. I have to travel rather quickly, because, 
you see, Clara, I'm going away to-morrow. 

Lady Clara {fyv^htened). 'io the front ? 

JiMMiE. Not yet. But we shan't be very long 
now. And I don't suppose I shall be in London 
again before I go. 

(Lady Penzance crosses to Duchess.) 

Lady Clara. How the poached eggs will miss 
you. 

Jimmie. And how the plates will miss you ! 

Lady Clara. But I'm not going. 

Jimmie. Oh yes, you are. 

Lady Clara. Where am I going ? 



22 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

JiMMiE. With me, of course. 

Lady Clara [primly). I'm sorry you should be so 
foolish. Please eat your food, as it is getting cold. 

JiMMiE. Clara, I mean every word I say. 

Lady Clara. That makes it all the worse. 
[Moves away.) 

Lady Penzance [to Duchess). Don't you think 
darling Clara is talking too much to that handsome 
young airman ? 

Duchess. I will mention it. Lady Clara ! 

Lady Clara [coming quickly to bar). Yes, 
Duchess ? 

Duchess. I am so sorry to say anything, but I 
always think it a pity to delay too long at any one 
table. 

Lady Clara. Oh yes, I know. I must apologize, 
but he was asking me if you knew how to wash up 
and I said how beautifully you did it. 

DucRESS [flattered). Really! Oh well, it doesn't 
matter this once. 

(JiMMiE taps on the table.) 

Duchess. He seems to want something else. 

Lady Clara. I don't think it's anything. 

Duchess. Perhaps the tea wasn't very hot. I am 
just going to make fresh. See if he would like another 
cup. 

Lady Clara. Very well. [Crosses to Jimmie.) 
I don't think this is very nice of you. 

Jimmie. What can you mean ? I only wanted to 
order sausages and mash. I'm tired of the poached 
eggs. 

Lady Clara. But you haven't touched them. 

Jimmie. No, but their faces bore me. That 
one has a silly look. Please let me have two sausages 
and mash and one Clara. 

Lady Clara. I will get the tray. [Crosses 
down.) 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 23 

George. There, Bill, that chap over there is 
goin' to make a change. Let us try. 
Bill. All right. 

(Clara returns to Jimmie's table, puts eggs on tray.) 

JiMMiE. Will you be a little kind to me ? Will 
you come and have tea without eggs after this ? 

Lady Clara. I told you I shall be in the pantry. 

JiMMiE. Where is the pantry ? 

Lady Clara. Through there. 

JiMMiE. How dark it must be ! 

Lady Clara. Oh no, there's a window. 

JiMMiE. Oh, is there ? May I look through it ? 

Lady Clara. Certainly not. 

Lady Penzance {to the Duchess). You see, 
Duchess. Every time it's the same. 

Duchess. Yes. I must speak to her mother. 

JiMMiE. Mayn't a poor Tommy even look at the 
lady he loves ? 

Lady Clara (m a whisper). Please don't ! [Out 
loud) Sausages and mash ! Certainly. {Crossing.) 

Bill. Miss — — 

Lady Clara {stopping) . Yes ? 

(JiMMiE goes back to desk l., buys cigarettes.) 

Bill. Could my friend and me change this ere 
cocoa for cups of tea ? 

Lady Clara. Change them ? Well, I — have 
you had any ? 

Bill Not to deceive you. Miss, we 'ave. 

George. Worse luck ! 

Lady Clara. Why ? Isn't it good ? 

Bill. Oh, it's good in its own way. Miss, but my 
friend here, he ain't as strong as 'e looks. 

George. It's give me a most peculiar feelin'. 
Miss, and that's the truth. 

Bill. Somethink may have dropped inside the 
cup, Miss, 



24 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Clara, I'll take it back and you shall have 
something else. {Crosses to hatch.) 

(JiMMiE stands at window down stage.) 

Bill. There ! Wot did I tell you ? 

George. A reel lady. 

Lady Clara {at hatch). Two sausages and mash, 
please. 

Lady Mabel {pulls Clara to l. front). I say, 
Clara, you are getting off to-day. 

Lady Clara. Don't be vulgar. 

Lady Mabel. That cat of a Lady Penzance has 
got her knife into you. 

Lady Clara. I don't care ! 

Lady Mabel. Is he very nice ? 

Lady Clara. I'm afraid he's what my maid 
calls a liberty taker. {Crosses to bar.) 

Lady Mabel. Oh, how lovely ! {Turns, watches 
Jimmie.) 

Lady Clara. Duchess, the men say this cocoa 
isn't good. 

Duchess. Oh, isn't it ? I must see about it. 
And — Lady Clara ! 

Lady Clara. Yes. 

Duchess. We're expecting loo men in soon. I 
should like you to go into the pantry at once and 
send the other ladies in here. 

(Mabel goes to back of stage. Jimmie returns to 
table.) 

Lady Clara. Oh, but it isn't quite four. 

Duchess. No. But just oblige me, will you ? 

Lady Clara. May I finish my order first ? 

Duchess. Well 

Lady Penzance. Oh, of course dear Lady Clara 
would like to finish her order. One can quite under- 
stand that ! 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 25 

Lady Clara. WTiat has it got to do with you, Lady 
Penzance ? 

Lady Penzance. Nothing, fortunately. I never 
linger at the tables. 

Lady Clara. You never get a chance. 

Duchess. Now, please, ladies, please — I cannot 
allow this in the canteen. 

Lady Penzance. Of course we can't all make 
appointments with fascinating airmen ! 

Lady Clara. Make appointments ! How dare 
you say such a thing ! I have made no appointment. 
I leave that to you and Lord Mornington. 

Lady Penz.\nce. You impertinent girl ! I didn't 
come here to be insulted. 

{The two soldiers are nudging each other.) 

Duchess. Ladies, you ought to be ashamed to 
speak like this when you are doing war work ! Go 
in the pantry, please, Lady Clara ! 

Lady Clara. It's a shame that I should be sent 
away in disgrace just because Lady Penzance is a 
spiteful caterpillar. 

Duchess. Please, Lady Clara ! 

Lady Clara. Oh, all right. But I know what 
Ld like to give her. 

[Bangs out r.) 

Voice through window. Sausages and mash ! 
Lady Penzance. LU take it. Dear Clara ! 
She is so very hysterical. 

{She is crossing when Lady Mabel bumps into her and 
trips her up. She screams, drops the tray and the 
sausages roll on the floor.) 

Lady Mabel. Oh, Lm so sorry ! Was it my 
fault ? Do forgive me. LU tell the man, we'll order 
another lot. 

{Flies over to Jimmie amid the scene of confusion 
caused by Lady Penzance, picking herself, tray and 



26 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

sausages up, helped by Bill, George and the 
Duchess.) 

Lady Mabel. A little accident. I'll get some 
more. 

JiMMiE. Isn't that lady coming back ? 

Lady Mabel. No, she's in disgrace. 

JiMMiE. What ? 

Lady Mabel. Yes, because of you. 

JiMMiE. Good lord ! 

Lady Mabel. You like her, don't you ? 

JiMMiE. No, I adore her. And I go away to- 
morrow. What shall I do ? 

Lady Mabel. Look here — go out, turn to the 
left and you'll see a window. It's the pantry. 
Watch your chance and you'll see her. But you must 
watch your chance when there's no one there. 

JiMMiE. You darling ! 

Lady Mabel. Oh ! 

{She flies back. Door at back of bar opens and Miss 
Deacon appears terribly excited and upset, waving 
two knives.) 

Miss Deacon. Oh, Duchess ; oh, Duchess ! Oh 
dear, oh dear ! Oh dear ! 

{Every one's attention is attracted to her.) 

Duchess. Really, Miss Deacon, you must control 
yourself. I am not at all accustomed to this ! 

Miss Deacon. Oh ! But you don't know, you 
don't know what's happened ? 

Duchess. Well, what has happened ? 

Miss Deacon. I was cleaning the knives for 
our brave men, I was cleaning the knives, you know, 
and I noticed they didn't rub up very well, and all of 
a sudden I found out I'd been mistaken in the two 
tins and, oh. Duchess 

Duchess. Well ? 

Miss Deacon. I made those two cups of cocoa 
out of the knife polish. 

{She falls over front of bar, dropping knives on floor. 



SCENE II 
Curtain. 

Scene. — The Pantry. 

Five minutes afterwards. 

A narrow room, with distempered walls and wooden 
floor. A hatch to canteen dining-room l. A 
hatch to kitchen R. Sink L. at back, drying hoard 
and plate rack c. at hack and window R. of it. Door 
R. to har. 

[Discovered Lady Clara, cleaning knives, and Miss 
Deacon, very agitated, wiping a teapot.) 

Miss Deacon. I think she was a little unkind 
about it ; I must say I do think so ! Because, of 
course, I didn't do it on purpose. 

Lady Clara. I'm sure you don't usually make 
cocoa out of knife powder. 

Miss Deacon. Never ! I can assure you, never ! 
My dear father would have been most annoj'ed if I 
had. He was very particular about those things. 
And, of course, to clean the knives with cocoa was 
quite a mistake. But I noticed it almost at once, 
but the Duchess said if she hadn't been very short- 
handed she wouldn't have troubled me further. It 
was really unkind. 

Lady Clara. Were the men angry ? 

Miss Deacon. No, indeed, they were so noble, 

our brave men ! They hardly said a word and went 

away so quietly. And I had such trouble in getting 

this canteen work ! You see we're not in the upper 

27 



28 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

ten, quite simple people, but I did so want to help, 
and now it's all spoilt. 

Voice {from hatch l.). Two fried eggs and a 
rasher. 

{A slip of paper comes through hatch.) 

Lady Clara. Just take it to the kitchen, do you 
mind ? 

Miss Deacon {at hatch r.). Two fried eggs and a 
rasher. 

Lady Mabel [through the hatch l.). Clara ! 

Lady Clara. Yes. 

Lady Mabel. They're pouring in now — such a 
rush ! 

Lady Clara. Mabel ! What's he doing ? 

Lady Mabel. He's gone ! 

Lady Clara. Gone ! 

Lady Mabel. Yes, but cheer up, he'll come 
back. 

Lady Clara. He won't. Why should he ? 

Voice (l.). Two poached eggs on toast twice, two 
fried eggs and a rasher twice ; one sausage and 
mash. 

Lady Clara. Pass it through, will you. Miss 
Deacon ? 

Miss Deacon. Certainly. Oh, yes. [Does so.) 
Who is the lady with the beautiful pearl necklace ? 

Lady Clara. That's Lady Penzance. 

Miss Deacon. She's very handsome, isn't she ? 
But she wasn't really very sympathetic. Her father 
is the Duke of Harrowmere, isn't he ? Kind hearts 
are more than coronets, aren't they ? 

Lady Clara. Much more. 

Miss Deacon. And of course she's a widow, that 
makes a difference. But I've heard such painful 
stories about her — really dreadful ! Now that young 
lady who was doing the tables with you — is she 
titled ? 

Lady Clara. She's Lady Mabel Corroby. 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 29 

Miss Deacon. Oh, yes. Let's see now, who was 
her mother ? 

Lady Mabel {voice off l.). One poached egg on 
toast. 

(Miss Deacon takes the slip and goes to hatch.) 

Miss Deacon. Her mother, I know, was related 
to the — to the 

Lady Penzance {voice off l.). Sausages and 
mash ! 

(Miss Deacon to hatch. A crash of china and some 
dirty plates, cups, etc,, are put through hatch L. 
Clara clears plates to above hatch.) 

Miss Deacon. Her mother was a most charming 
woman, I believe, married twice. Now, who was her 
first husband ? 

Voice (l.). One fried egg and a rasher. 

(Miss Deacon to hatch. Clara returns to knife 
machine.) 

Lady Clara. I'm afraid we're going to be very 
busy. 

{More cups come through. Eggs come through hatch r.) 

Miss Deacon. Oh, here are some fried eggs ! 
Lady Clara. Put them across, will you ? That's 
the last knife. I must begin washing up now. 

^Miss Deacon puts eggs across. Clara goes to the 
sink, turns on tap, puts in soda and soap during 
following.) 

Miss Deacon. I don't think the aristocracy are 
really happier than any one else, do you ? 
Mabel's Voice (r.). Sausages and mash. 

(Miss Deacon goes to hatch r.) 
Lady Clara. I'm afraid not. 



30 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

{China comes through.) 

Mabel ! Has he come back ? 
Lady Mabel {off l.). No! 

(Miss Deacon crosses with sausages and mash to 
hatch L.). 

Miss Deacon. My dear nephew, a charming boy, 
has fallen hopelessly in love above his station. 
Most romantic ! No money ! Nothing in the wide 
world but love and hope and 

Lady P's voice {off r.). Sausages and mash! 

(Miss Deacon goes to hatch r. and returns with two 
-plates of soss and mash which she puts on hatch l.). 

Lady Clara. I think, by the smell, those must 
be your celebrated cups of cocoa ! 

Miss Deacon. Yes. Most unfortunate. The 
Duchess of Port Arthur works here, doesn't she ? 

Lady Clara. Yes. She washes up on the Thurs- 
day shift at night. It's a five-hour shift. 

Miss Deacon (l.). Really! I shouldn't have 
thought a Duchess could have stood up so long. 
But, perhaps they are used to receptions. Ah ! 
There are some poached eggs. 

(Clara now begins to put wet cups on board.) 

And that reminds me, there was some very painful 
scandal about Lady Penzance, wasn't there ? I am 
sure my darling nephew would choose a girl above 
reproach. Still, one never knows ! I fear she is 
too high up for my poor boy. We are all very much 
against the match, being quiet people. The aristo- 
cracy don't behave quite as we do, do they ? I came 
here really hoping to break it off. 

{She gets two plates of fried eggs and stands holding 
them.) 

His father is but a Professor at Cambridge, a clever 
man, full of brains, full of 




z 

in 
u 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 31 

Voice (l.) Sausages and mash five times, please. 
Lady Penz.a.nce (l.). Are my fried eggs and a 
rasher coming ? 
Miss Deacon. Oh, yes. {Gives it through.) 

{More china comes through hatch, teacups arid small 
plates.) 

{Taking a cloth and absently wiping cups.) The girl 
he cares for works in this canteen. Do you know 
any girl here who is in love with a man in the Army ? 

Lady Clara. I hope we all are. 

Miss Deacon. ' Yes, the noble, dear men ! {Drops 
a plate.) Oh, dear ! There now ! I've broken it. 
And I never break anything ! If my dear father were 
alive he'd have been so annoyed ! 

Lady Clara. Never mind. Miss Deacon. Just 
put the pieces in the dustbin, and let's get on. 

Miss Deacon {doing so). I'm so glad the dear 
Duchess didn't see. She'll tiiink me quite careless. 
{Gets cup.) And, of course, tiTed people they don't 
understand domestic work, do they — and washing 
up is so useful. Oh dear, there goes a cup. Only the 
handle oft ! How lucky ! 

Lady Clara. But the Duchess is splendid at 
washing up. 

{Eggs come through hatch R.) 

Miss Deacon. Oh, I do admire the Duchess. 
{Trots to hatch R.) There are some eggs ! {Takes eggs 
to hatch L.) Such fine eyes ! They are often so 
short ! And that's disappointing in a Duchess ! 
{Gets teapot.) Still, if my dear nephew could have 
chosen some one not so grand, some simple country 
girl who could cook and sew. After all, the Tango 
is not important, is it ? Some one in our set, useful 
and quiet ! {Drops a teapot.) I'm afraid that's 
gone ! {Takes teapot to dustbin.) 

Lady Mabel {voice l., at hatch). One boiled egg, 
please. 



32 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Clara. Mabel ! (Whispers.) Couldn't the 
Duchess let me have some one else ? Poor Frizzy is 
driving me mad ! I think her flannel petticoat is in 
the way. 

{Five soss and mash come through hatch r.) 

Lady Mabel. I'll try, but we're awfully pushed 
out here 

Miss Deacon {brightly). Here are such a lot of 
sausages and mash ! {There are five.) 

Lady Clara. I'll help you. {Carries three plates.) 

Miss Deacon. How they roll, don't they ? 

Lady Clara (l.c). Oh, Miss Deacon. {Takes the 
other two plates to hatch left.) Miss Deacon, have you 
ever thought of doing Red Cross work ? They want 
such a lot of pyjamas at our depot. 

Miss Deacon (r.c). Oh, I couldn't m ake pyjamas, 
dear. 

Lady Clara. Why not ? 

Miss Deacon. Well, you see, I'm not married. 
It wouldn't be quite nice, would it ? 

{Ejiter Lady Mabel.) 

Lady Mabel. Clara, there's such a rush for tea 
and coft'ee that we can't manage. Could you possibly 
spare Miss Deacon for ten minutes ? 

Lady Clara. Of course I will, with pleasure. 

Lady Mabel. Then will you go. Miss Deacon ? 

Miss Deacon. Oh yes, of course. Anything to 
oblige. {Crossing.) I may get a chance of speaking 
to my nephew. Pyjamas ! No, no ! 

{Exit.) 

Lady Clara. Poor old soul ! Mabel ! She's 
broken the whole canteen ! Look here. {Takes 
lid off dustbin.) 

Lady Mabel {running up). Great Scott ! Did 
she jump on it ? 

Lady Clara. Almost. Has my boy been back ? 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 33 

Lady Mabel. Not yet. 

Duchess {voice off l.). Lady Mabel! 

Lady Mabel. I must fly. 

Lady Clara. But, Mabel, I can't do all this alone ! 

Lady Mabel. Have a try ! I told the Duchess 
you would just while we're so busy outside. Pile 
them up and I'll come back as soon as ever I can. 

{Enter the Duchess.) 

Duchess (l.c). Oh, Lady Clara, if Miss Deacon is 
no good here, will you try alone just for ten minutes ? 
I wouldn't ask you, but there's such a rush for tea and 
coftee. 

Lady Clara (r.c). Of course I will, Duchess. 

Duchess. Do you mind ? 

Lady Clara. Not a bit. 

Duchess. Thank you, my dear, j^ou're splendid. 
I'm awfully sorry to have spoken so sharply just 
now, for I know Violet is terribly trying, but discipline 
must be kept up. 

Lady Clara. Oh, I quite understood. 

Duchess. Good child ! Come, Lady Mabel. 

Lady Mabel. Don't be surprised at anything that 
happens. 

Lady Clara. What should happen but eggy plates 
and bacon fat ? 

Lady Mabel. Wait and see, my dear. 

{Exit.) 

Lady Clara. What do you mean, Mabel ? 

{More plates come through. Lady Clara ze'or^s. The 
window is cautiously pushed open, and Jimmie 
climbs in. She does not hear him. He comes up 
behind her.) 

Jimmie. Clara ! 

Lady Clara {she jumps). Oh ! ! ! Jimmie, what 
on earth ! How did you get here ? 
Jimmie. I flew in. 



34 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Clara. Then fly out again quickly. 

JiMMiE. A thousand miles an hour ? 

Lady Clara. Don't argue ! You've no business 
here ! It's too awful ! A soldier in the pantry ! 
You know it's not allowed ! There'd be a most awful 
scandal. 

Voice (l.). Two poached eggs on toast. 

{La.i>y Clara gets ticket and crosses rapidly to hatch r.) 

Lady Clara. Go away quickly, please. {She 
pushes ticket through hatch R.) Well, aren't you 
going ? 

JiMMiE. No, frankly, I'm not. I must see you, 
Clara, I simply must. 

Lady Clara. You can't see me here, you simply 
can't. 

JiMMiE. Then may I meet you afterwards ? 

Lady Clara. No. The maid calls for me at 
seven and I have to go straight home. 

JiMMiE. Then I must risk it and stop here. 

Lady Clara. It's my risk, not yours. What 
would that cat of a Violet Penzance say if she found 
you here ? No more canteen work for me. I should 
have to go back to making pyjamas. And I do hate 
sewing. Go away, Mr. Acland. 

JiMMiE. Clara, have pity on me. I do love you 
so, and I can't propose to you by letter. You're 
the dearest thing to me in all the world, and how can 
we be married if we don't settle the time and place ? 

Lady Clara. Who said we were going to be 
married ? 

JiMMiE. / said so. Didn't you hear me ? I've 
said so five times. I'll say it again if you like. I 
love you, Clara ! I love you like — like 

Voice (l.). Sausages and mash ! 

JiMMiE. Oh ! What a dreadful place this is. 

(Lady Clara crosses to hatch for ticket, crosses to hatch 
R., puts it through. Jimmie runs after her.) 

Clara ! Just say you love me and I'll be satisfied. 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 35 

Lady Cl.\ra (r.). I can't say it. How can I ? 
I don't know you. 

JiMMiE (l.). Don't know me ! Oh, that's soon 
settled. My age is twenty-three. My name is 
Jimmie Acland — my father's name is John. My 
sister's name is Alice. I have no brothers. My hair 
is brown, my eyes are blue. My height is 5 feet 11. I 
used to row for Cambridge. I enlisted in the Public 
Schools Battalion, got wounded and transferred to 
the Air Service. Now, Clara, you know me. 

Lady Clara. You're quite mad, I'm afraid. 

Jimmie. No, it's only love. I should settle down 
once we're married. Say you love me, Clara, and 
you'll see how serious I can be. 

Lady Clara {tenderly). Oh, Jimmie ! 

Jimmie {hope fully). Yes, darling ? 

Duchess' voice {through hatch). One cup of hot 
Horlick's, please. 

Jimmie. Oh, hang it ! 

Lady Clara. I shall have to make it. {Goes to top 
R. corner for bottle.) Where's the Horlick's ? I hope 
poor old Frizzles hasn't used it to powder her nose. 
No, here it is ! 

{Sausages appear.) 

Take those sausages across, Jimmie, and if you really 
love me, don't show your sleeve or your great awful 
hand. 

Jimmie. Clara ! {Throws sausages on hatch left). 

Voice (l.). Cold ham for one, please. 

Jimmie. Oh, stew this place ! 

Lady Clara. Put that through there. 

Jimmie. Put what through where? 

Lady Clara. Why, you're worse than Frizzles. 
{Points at hatch.) 

Jimmie. Who's Frizzles ? Now, Clara, I want 
to talk about our future. 

Lady Clara. We haven't got a future. {She 
makes the Horlicks.) 



36 POACHED EGGS AKD PEARLS, 

JiMMiE. You mean we*haven't got a past. Well, 
Clara, I think I ought to tell you — do stop jiggling 
that thing up and down, darling. 

Lady Clara. I can't. It makes the Horlick's. 

{Ham comes through.) 

JiMMiE. Hang the Horlick's. Clara, sweetheart, 

I must ask you one question 

Lady Mabel {voice l.). Where is my cold ham ? 

{More dirty -plates come through.) 

Lady Clara {takes ham from hatch r. and runs to 
hatch L.). Sh ! Here's the ham and hot Horlick's. 

Voice. Thank you. Will you give me two poached 
eggs on toast ? 

(Lady Clara crosses to r. hatch with the ticket.) 

Jimmie {runs after her). Clara, listen to me for 
one moment. 

(Lady Clara now returns to the sink and washes up.) 
Do you have to put your darling hands into that 
horrid-looking water ? 

Lady Clara. Well, you see, they don't give us 
eau de cologne in this canteen. 

Jimmie (r. of sink). Don't be clever, dearest. 
Because this is far too serious. Let me dry 3'Our poor 
little paws while I ask you a question. {Takes her 
hands and dries them.) 

Duchess. Two sausages and mash twice, please. 
{But they pay no heed. Jimmie kisses her hand.) 

Lady Clara. Oh, Jimmie ! 

Jimmie. Now, Clara, tell me, do you mind being 
poor ? 

Lady Clara. How much poor ? 

Miss Deacon (l.). Two poached eggs on toast. 

Jimmie. Well, dearest, very poor. 

Lady Clara. Lve never been well off, Jimmie. 
And the war has hit us very badly. There are 
five of us girls at home, and we seem to live on 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 37 

herrings. Of course we could have sausages, but 
— not after five hours' shift at the canteen. As to 
dress I have to manage on £ioo a year. 

JiMMiE. A hundred a year seems quite rich to me. 
I only have 200 and my pay. And I want to stay in 
the Air Service always if they'll have me. So we 
shan't be a bit well off. But, later on, when we're 
grey-haired and stooping and want a bit of comfort 
I shall have crowds of money. I've got an aunt who's 
very fond of me, and when she dies I shall be quite 
cushy. So we'll get herrings when we're young and 
when we're old and haven't any teeth, we'll get the 
lobster salad. Clara darling, do you mind all that ? 

Lady Clar.\. Jimmie dear, to tell the truth I 
don't mind a bit. 

{He tries to embrace her.) 

No, wait a moment. It's my mother. She will 
mind. She'll say " no " at the very top of her voice. 

Jimmie. That's a pity. But does it matter ? 

Lady Clara. Well, it does in a way. Slir's very 
nice and I shouldn't like to worry her. 

Jimmie. But perhaps she'd understand. Don't 
laugh, Clara, but if you'll only care for me I feel I shall 
come through the war safe, but if you won't, well — 
I shan't mind if I never see England again. 

Lady Clara. Oh, Jimmie, I do care ! 

{They embrace.) 

Lady Penzance's voice (l., furious). Where are 
my poached eggs on toast ? 

Lady Clara {in Jimmie's arms, pensively). Oh, 
heavens, where are tliey ? 

Jimmie. Never mind ! 

Lady Mabel {at hatch l.). Clara ! {In a whisper.) 
Clara ! 

Lady Clara. It's Mabel ! {Goes to hatch.) Yes ? 

Lady Mabel. Cat Violet is coming round. Push 
him out ! 



38 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Clara. Jimmie ! Fly ! Lady Penzance is 
coming ! Quick ! 

(Jimmie runs to window.) 

Hurry, there's a dear ! Oh, do be quick. 
Jimmie. Fll come back. 

{He disappears.) 

(Clara rushes to sink. Lady Penzance enters.) 

Lady Penzance. Dear Lady Clara, where are 
my poached eggs ? And Miss Ponsonby is champing 
for sausages. Such a strange delay. {Crosses to 
hatch R.) Oh, there they are. Quite cold ! Isn't 
that a pity ? 

{More china comes through.) 

Lady Clara {clearing china). I'm very sorry, but 
there's been such a lot to do. 

Lady Penzance. Yes, of course. I quite under- 
stand. I must get these eggs warmed up. Kitchen ! 
Will you warm these up, please ? Thank you. {She 
turns.) Oh, what a lot of dirty plates. I'll help 
you till the eggs come. {Crossing to l.) 

Lady Clara. Please don't trouble. 

Lady Penzance. I don't mind at all as you've 
got so far behind. I'll scrape the plates. {Crosses 
R.) This man has left all his bacon. {Scrapes the 
bacon into dustbin R.) 

Lady Clara. Oh, that's the dustbin ! The good 
meat goes in this tin. 

Lady Penzance {crosses to sink with plate). 
What a bore ! But no one will know. You'll never 
get through at this rate, will you ? I daresay you 
were thinking of something else. One can't really 
do fine work, can one, unless one's whole soul is in it. 
{Takes another plate from hatch r.) 

Lady Clara. That's another bit of good meat ! 

Lady Penzance. Sewing now, one can do and still 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 39 

think of something else. Now I wonder you've 
never thought of making pyjamas ! 

{Enter the Duchess with dish of tea leaves.) 

Duchess {cross r.c). What is the matter, Lady 
Penzance? Your tables are waiting. 

Lady Penzance. I was just helping Lady Clara, 
who seems to be so behindhand. 

Lady Clara. Lm afraid I have been fearfully 
slow. 

Duchess. She has had three people's work to do. 
Please lift the lid of the dustbin — these tea leaves. 

(Lady Penzance does so.) 

But what is this ? Why is there an entire dinner 
service in the dustbin ? Miss Deacon's been doing 
her bit, I presume. 

Lady Clara. Lm afraid so. {Comes c). 

Duchess. And what do 1 see ? Two bits of good 
bacon on the top ? Was that our new treasure also ? 

Lady Clara. No. 

Duchess. Then who has put good bacon in here ? 
Lady Clara, is it you ? 

Lady Clara. I — I don't think so. 

Duchess. Ihen it must be you, Violet. Please 
pick them out again. 

Lady Penzance (l. of bin). Oh no, I really 
couldn't. 

Duchess. Please pick them out again, Violet. 

(Lady Penzance, making a face, does so.) 

Put them in the other bin. Thank you. Now, 
Violet, since you have been so kind in helping I 
think you may as well do the washing up. '1 he rush 
is over and Lady Clara can help clear the tables. 

Lady Clara. Oh, but. Duchess 

Duchess. Unfortunately Miss Deacon is perfectly 
useless. 
Lady Clara. Oh, please, Duchess, let me stay 



40 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

here and finish ! I couldn't bear to go and leave 
it all like this ! Besides I look such a sight — my 
nose is purple. 

Duchess. Nonsense ! Your nose is quite normal 
— and if it feels purple it shows you need a change. 

Lady Clara. But really I'd rather stay 

Duchess {with her dignity on). Please, Lady 
Clara ! I'll send Miss Deacon in, Violet. Do not let 
her touch the china. Let her merely give the kitchen 
orders. I have not had such a difficult day in the 
canteen since I came here. Now, Clara ! 

Lady Clara. Do you really ? 

Duchess. Yes, I do. Bring those eggs. 

{Exit with Clara.) 

(Lady Penzance, much annoyed, stamps and goes to 
sink, where she begins washing up. Jimmie cauti- 
ously pushes open the window and enters. He sees 
the figure dressed exactly like Clara at the sink, and 
coming near, puts his arm round her waist.) 

Jimmie. Clara ! 

(Lady Penzance turns and shrieks.) 

Great Scott ! {Backs to r.c.) 

Lady Penzance. Oh! So this is the explanation. 
{Coming down l.c.) 

Jimmie. I beg your pardon ! 

Lady Penzance. I should think so ! May I ask 
what you are doing here ? 

Jimmie. Well, it's rather hard to explain ! 

Lady Penzance. Very hard! But, perhaps. Lady 
Clara could help you ? 

Jimmie. Lady Clara ! Who is she ? 

Lady Penzance. I think Clara was the name ? 
I'm sure the Duchess will be interested in such a 
coincidence. You came in by the window, I suppose ? 

Jimmie. I'm afraid I did, but please don't blame 
any one else. It was entirely my fault. I know I 
oughtn't to have done it, but don't be angry I 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 41 

Lady Penzance. It has nothing whatever to 
do with me. The Duchess of Froom is the head of 
this shift ; it's for her to say what must be done. 
(Goini:.) 

JiMMiE {stopping her). You surely won't tell? 

Lady Penzance. So sorry, but I certainly shall. 

JiMMiE. Please don't. Believe me, I didn't come 
in just for a lark, or anything silly like that. I love 
Lady Clara — I want her to marry me, and there was 
no way of meeting her but this. 

Lady Penzance. Very romantic, isn't it ? But 
not what the canteen is for. Lady Clara won't be 
very upset ; she's quite used to this sort of thing. 

Jimmie. That's not true. 

Lady Penzance. Impertinence won't help you. 
Of course it's very annoying to be found out. 

Jimmie. There's nothing to find out, except what 
I've told you. Please, Lady Penzance, don't be 
hard on me. I'm sure you're awfully kind really, 
and you'd hate to get another girl into a row. Won't 
you stand by us just this once? Ah, say you will 1 

{Takes her hand. At this moment Miss Deacon 
enters and is horrified at the tableau.) 

Miss Deacon. Jimmie ! {Comes between them.) 
{The two separate.) 

Jimmie. Aunt Emily ! 

Miss Deacon. Oh, Jimmie, my darling boy ! 
How did you come here ? 

Lady Penzance. Through the window, dear 
Miss Deacon. Is this your son ? 

Miss Deacon. My son ! No ! Certainly not ! 
I am not married ! It's my nephew, James Acland. 
And so you are the woman he loves ! 

Lady Penzance. I ! ! 

Jimmie. No, no ! 

Miss Deacon. To think it should be you ! Oh, 
Jimmie dear, have you thought ? Oh, Lady Pen- 



42 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

zance, forgive me, but have you considered ? We 
aren't grand people at all and Jimmie is poor. And 
he is so impulsive ! 

Jimmie. Aunt Emily ! 

Miss Deacon. And you could marry a Duke, or 
anything, couldn't you ? And Jimmie is so young, 
only 23 ! Oh, please, won't you think it over ! 

Lady Penzance. My good woman ! Do kindly 
stop making a speech. There's no occasion for these 
hysterics ! I'm happy to say that this young man 
is absolutely nothing to do with me. I was amazed to 
find him in the pantry, and I do not come to the 
canteen to flirt with Tommies ! 

Miss Deacon {infuriated). Oh, indeed ! Well, 
you might do a great deal worse. And have, if all 
they say is true ! 

Lady Penzance. What ! ! 

Jimmie. Aunt Emily ! 

Miss Deacon. There's no reason to insult my dear 
boy because he doesn't care for you ! After all, he's 
one of our gallant gentlemen. He's been out to the 
front and been wounded and risked his life for 
England with the rest of our men, and that's more 
than you have done. And I think you ought to 
respect them all, however humble, and not sneer at 
them, our dear brave gallant soldiers ! {Weeps.) 

{Enter the Duchess.) 

Duchess. What in the world is all this noise ! 
{Sees Jimmie.) Violet ! 

Miss Deacon. She's insulted him ! I can't 
bear it ! I don't see why I should ! Whoever her 
father was ! 

Duchess. Kindly explain what all this means ? 

Lady Penzance. Duchess, this man has been 
carrying on an intrigue with Lady Clara Teviot. 

Duchess. What ! 

Jimmie. It is not an intrigue ! 

Lady Penzance. He got in through the window 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 43 

and embraced me. He didn't know who I was. 

Miss Deacon. No, he certainly didn't. 

Lady Penzance. And he called me Clara. 

Duchess {to Jimmie). What have you to say? 

JiMMiE. What she has just told you is true. It 
did happen, and I am deeply sorry to have caused all 
this trouble. I love Lady Clara Teviot, and I want 
to marry her. I had no other way of meeting her 
and I came in here. 

Duchess. You did very wrong. 

Jimmie. I know it. I see it now. I do ask you to 
forgive me very humbly. But please don't blame 
Lady Clara in any way. She didn't know I was 
coming, and she tried her best to persuade me to go 
away. 

Duchess {opening the door). Clara ! {Returns c). 

Jimmie. You won't be angry with her ? 

{The Duchess is silent.) 

Miss Deacon {softly). Oh, please, Duchess! If 
you knew Jimmie — the dearest boy ! 

{The Duchess holds up her hand. Clara enters.) 

Duchess. Clara, this gentleman tells me he has 
been in the pantry with you this afternoon. 

Lady Clara (l.c). Yes. 

Duchess. Has it ever happened before ? 

Lady Clara. No, Duchess, never. 

Duchess. How did you get to know him ? 

Lady Clara. In the canteen. 

Duchess. He has asked you to marry him ? 

Lady Clara. Yes. 

Duchess. Do you care for him ? 

Lady Clara. Yes. 

Miss Deacon (r.c). Oh, my dear child! 

Duchess. Hush ! You know you have broken 
our rules ? 

Lady Clara. Yes, I know. But I couldn't help 
liking him, could I ? And then all this happened. 



44 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

Lady Penzance, That's the usual excuse, isn't 
it? 

Duchess. You can go back to the tables, Lady 
Penzance. I don't need you any more. 

Lady Penzance {going up to door). Oh, certainly. 
Quite romantic, isn't it ? Picked up in the canteen. 
Of course we are rather short of men. 

{Exit.) 

Miss Deacon. She's a very nasty woman ! 

Duchess. You can go too, Miss Deacon. 

Miss Deacon. Oh, but, Duchess, may I tell you ? 
This is my nephew — the dearest boy. I do want 
him to be happy, and I like Lady Clara so much. She 
is so sweet and washes up so well. And I know I'm 
only a silly old thing, and I've dropped the china and 
spilt the tea and made the cocoa wrong, but I do 
want them to be happy, and I've got money, thanks 
to my dear father, and they shall have it noiv, and 
not wait till I'm gone, and, oh. Duchess ! do be kind 
to my dear Jimmie. 

JiMMiE (r.). Good old Aunt Emily ! 

Duchess. Well, this is a very strange affair, but I 
believe Mr. Acland meant well. I shall speak to Lady 
Penzance and I shall not report this on one condition. 
Mr. Acland must go straight to your mother, Clara, 
and put the whole matter before her. 

Jimmie. Thank you with all my heart. I'll go at 
once. 

Duchess. And you must promise me never to get 
through the pantry window again. 

Jimmie. I promise. 

Lady Clara. Oh, Duchess, thank you — what a 
darling you are. Oh, dear Aunt Emily ! {Throws her 
arms round Miss Deacon.) 

Miss Deacon {puts her across to Jimmie). There, 
there, dear child, I want only you and Jimmie to be 
happy, and, after all, what is there in the wide world 
more important than a happy marriage ? 



POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 45 

Lady Penzance's voice {l., furious). Two poached 
eggs on toast ! 

(All start guiltily and rush about the pantry. Miss 
Deacon takes a heap of plates to hatch.) 

Voices [off l. very loud). Two fried eggs, please. 
One hot Horlick's. One poached egg on toast. Two 
sausages and mash. 

(Miss Deacon drops plates.) 
Quick Curtain. 



PROPERTY PLOT 

SCENE I 

Interior Scene. — Canteen. 

Curtains — red and white draught-board pattern — to two 
windows p.c. — curtains to window up l.c. — with cords. 
Four ,deal ftables covered with red and white draught- 
board oil-cloth. 

On each — pink earthenware vase (two up stage filled 
with flowers), cruet (that on table down l. empty of 
mustard). 

Tin tray, bowl, cloth on table up c. 

Five Windsor chairs as plot. 

Roll-top desk up L.c. with stool — cash-box with money, 
rolls of tickets, ledger, cigarettes, pencils, boxes of cigars, 
cigarettes to dress. 

Two wicker arm-chairs on p.s. below windows. 

Counter r. : on it bread-cutter, Horlick's advertisement, 
four glass dishes, with dough-nuts, Bath-buns, etc. Six 
empty glass dishes for jam, two knives, plate with two 
pieces of cut bread and butter, half dozen plates, one dozen 
dessertspoons, one dozen knives and forks in deal knife 
box, four stoneware water jugs. 

On shelf below counter : plate of butter, two cups of cocoa 
(painted), with spoons, four cups, saucers and spoons, three 
small milk jugs, two dusters. 



46 POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. 

On bar behind counter : two urns (r. hot water, l. tea), 
cake (dummy), knife, two long loaves, two large stone 
jars (one of strawberry — almost empty — the other 
marmalade — full), wooden spoon in each, tin of cocoa, 
tin of knife powder, jug of milk, tin of mustard, jug of 
water, tins to dress. 

On return counter : dish of half dozen pork pies, plate of 
sandwiches, pile of half dozen plates. 

Dust-bin, scrap-bin, and enamel jug as plot. 

Three large trays and one small oval tray leaning against 
counter. 

Off R. Three plates of sausage and mash (hot). 

One plate of two poached eggs on toast (dummy). 
Two knives off door r. for Miss Deacon. 

Coins for soldiers and airman. 



SCENE II 

Pantry Scene. 

Roller blind on window o.p. 

Windsor chair in window, dust-bin below window with 

dust-pan and brush, good-meat bin up r.c. 
Up c. sink and long counter. 
On it Horlick's patent milk maker and tins to dress, clean 

plates, cups, dishes and teapot — three cups, three plates 

and one teapot prepared to break ; in sink two tin bowls, 

with water, brush, soap-tin and soap ; two dish-cloths ; 

dirty plates ; two taps (r. dummy, l. with hot water laid 

on). 
On counter p.s. knife machine with three knives in it, knives 

in box, dirty plates, etc. 
Off hatch L. : slips of paper ; and piles of china, etc. 
Tray of china (plates, cups, etc.). 
More china (two cups of cocoa). 
Airman's poached eggs. 
More china. 
Plates. 
Plates. 

Plates (two plates with cold bacon). 
Off L.u.E. large plate of tea leaves. 

Off hatch R. nine plates sausage and mash (dummy). 
Two plates poached eggs on toast. 
Four plates fried eggs. 
One plate ham. 




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